Like many people, I wish I could change some things about my life. In fact there are so many things in my life that I wish I could change that it’s hard to pinpoint just one thing to change. I’m not a perfect person, I’m far from it, and so the list of things I would like to change is endless. However, if I had to choose one thing and only one thing I think it would have to be that I was more willing to believe in things, just like I was when I was younger.

When I was a child I put my faith in people so easily. I’d believe almost anything you told me, I’d believe in almost anything that my imagination could come up with, but that’s changed. Because of events that have happened in my past, and are still happening, I don’t believe in many things anymore. I’m no longer trusting anymore and in a world when almost everyone lies daily I’m always on guard. I don’t rest, I don’t trust, and I don’t rely on anyone except for the people who have proven themselves to me. Those who continually lie to me loose respect and my faith in them, and soon they fade out of my life because they are not trustworthy and reliable. I mean what’s the point in keeping someone around when all they do is lie to you and disappoint you? However, even though I have this insight I find myself in more pain than I ever was before. I’m closed off and I withdraw more into myself because I’m the one of the few things I can trust, and even sometimes I can’t trust myself. I don’t like it, I don’t like what it does to me.

Also as you grow up a person loses the childlike innocence that they once had. A person is no longer free. Their mind is weighed down by the realities of the world. Everything you experience makes you question everything you believe in, even the foundation that makes a person who they are. I used to have an amazing imagination. I used to be able to see, and I mean really see anything I could possibly imagine. I’d be able to write down these stories that were in my head and they were wonderful. Granted they weren’t very refined because I hadn’t learned a lot of the writing structure yet, but there was a vividness there that couldn’t be replaced because I truly believed in what I was writing down. Now my imagination has slowed down. Can I write better structurally? Yes, but are the same unrestrained possibilities there? No not anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I can hardly come up with anything creative anymore, so what’s the point of having all this knowledge that an adult has when you don’t have the motivation, the creativity? Without that you have nothing. All the fancy words can’t make up for what creativity can bring.

Another problem that bothers me so much about not being able to just believe in things is that you simply don’t believe. If you don’t have something to believe in you aren’t much of anything. You’re a shell without a purpose. When I believed I had a purpose, a since of direction, I knew where I was going and what was going to happen to me. That knowledge, that belief is so comforting, it puts your mind at ease. You just feel that everything will be okay in the end and there is nothing to worry about.

I miss that feeling more than anything in this world. I just want to feel comforted again; I want to feel peace throughout my body, the peace that I used to have when I could believe more freely. I want to be able to have my mind free and able to believe in anything it wants without the restraint of the world chaining it down. I want the stress of worrying about what may happen tomorrow to just disappear, and I know of only one way that this could happen. Is if I could just believe once again. If I had that back, there isn’t really much else that I would change because that is such an underlining problem, it is the problem.